Illustration by John Lee
Even if your mom (or his) has always been there for you, given the rising cost of childcare, and pretty much everything else related to raising a family, you may be relying on her support more than ever.
Studies indicate grandparents today are helping to defray the cost of full-time care by being childcare providers for their grandkids.
They’re also increasingly picking up the tab for everyday items, such as food, furniture, baby gear, and clothing. “Parents naturally want to give to their adult kids, even though it can sometimes be uncomfortable for the adult child, who may be thinking, ‘I should be dealing with this,’” says Deanna Brann, Ph.D., a clinical psychotherapist and author of Reluctantly Related: Secrets to Getting Along with Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law.
Grandparents fit a niche a babysitter or daycare doesn’t because they have a vested interest in your child’s welfare. Still, as much as you may value the assistance, family contributions can be a source of conflict and confusion.
“There are strings attached, whether spoken or not,” Brann says. If your mother-in-law volunteers to pay for your daughter’s birthday party, for example, does grandma get to call the shots? What about differences in opinion about childrearing? How will these issues be resolved? Have that conversation now and consider the following.
Set clear boundaries. No matter how grateful you are for family help, grandparents still need to follow your parenting rules. “Let your parents or in-laws know what your guidelines are for your child’s eating, sleeping, and screen time before they start babysitting,” Brann says. Team up with your spouse to present a united front.
“It’s fair to say, for example, ‘We’d appreciate it if you could read to the kids or play games with them instead of just letting them watch TV,’” Brann says. Or, ‘Please don’t give Aidan candy.’ Write your household rules down so your caregivers don’t forget. Express them nicely so no one gets offended. Defining your expectations from the onset gives the arrangement a foundation you can refer to if rules aren’t followed.
Run the show. If your parents or in-laws volunteer to pay for something, you can still specify what you’d like them to buy and from where.
“Just because someone else is paying for something doesn’t usurp your right as a parent,” Brann says. “It’s not written that whoever pays gets to take over.”
As the parent, you need to be clear about what you want. If your mother-in-law says she’ll pay for your 5-year-old daughter’s birthday cake, for example, you might say, ‘Thank you so much for offering to pay for Sophie’s birthday cake. The princess cake we have planned costs $30 from our favorite bakery down the street. That may be more than you were planning to spend. If you’d still like to pay for it, that’s great. If not, we’ll figure something out.’”
“It can feel awkward to communicate this stuff, but if you don’t, resentment can build that can fracture your relationship,” Brann says. “Your parents or in-laws might start to back off or not follow through with things. Weirdness will start to happen and you won’t know how to react.”
Have a back-up plan. Formulate a plan B in case family doesn’t follow your parenting rules or you get the feeling they don’t really want to babysit or pay for something even though they’ve agreed to. Without a plan B, “your parents’ help can feel like it’s extortion,” Brann says, as in: “We have to have them babysit because we can’t afford anything else.”
Can you cut back somewhere in your budget to pay for at least part-time daycare if you had to? Just knowing you have options can help preserve your relationship if things don’t work out. “If it comes to that with your childcare arrangement, you might say, ‘We decided we’d rather you be a grandparent than a caregiver because that’s more important to us,’” says Brann.
Pay back with appreciation. Whether your parents or in-laws graciously provide childcare or help pay for things your family needs, such as daycare tuition or a new stroller, tell them how much you appreciate their support. “I work with women who are mothers-in-law, who say to me, ‘I do this and that, but I don’t even get a thank you,’” Brann says.
“Acknowledgement is so important. It really needs to be verbal.”
Other small gestures, such as sending an occasional thank you note, can also mean a lot. “If you really want to score points with your mother-in-law, put a photo of her with your kids somewhere in your house,” says Linda Della Donna, 63, a grandmother of Hunter, 2, and Zoey, 1, who babysits for them on a weekly basis. Inviting your parents or in-laws over for dinner occasionally or including them on family outings is also a nice way to giveback.Send the message that you value them and their contributions.
Sandra Gordon is a national freelance writer based in Connecticut who specializes in food, nutrition, health, and fitness. Learn more at sandragordon.com