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As a newly divorced mother of three children, I wasn’t biting at the bit to be back in the dating world. I knew as a 42-year-old woman, I was several years past my “best if used by” date.
Those scars on my belly from childbirth aren’t going away, my car is covered with kid clutter 24/7, and if a lice epidemic or flu bug hits, I’m going to be a walking pile of contagion. Sometimes that feels less than sexy. All the moms out there, single or not, know exactly what I’m saying.
In her book, Takes All 5: A Single Mom’s Guide to Finding the Real One, author and counselor Kerri Zane writes, “Single moms face various fears: fading beauty, aging, isolation, rejection, empty nests, loss of financial security … Things like beginning relationships, asserting oneself, losing weight, making a mistake… and fear of intimacy loom large.”
Despite these fears, single mothers are dating. In fact, they’re dating a lot and for reasons you might not expect. A survey conducted by the online dating site, plentyoffish.com, revealed that 44 perent of the women using the site were single mothers, and 57 percent of them were looking for partnership more than romance, sex, fun, or financial support.
If you’re part of this group of mothers back on the dating scene, Zane offers a few words of advice to get the most out of it.
Trust your intuition
As a mother, your intuition is fine-tuned because it’s what you’ve been using every day to raise your children. You know when something’s not right, when they’re starting to get sick, or when they’re bummed about something that happened at school that they won’t discuss.
“In my coaching practice,” states Zane, “I suggest that single moms do the inside work to get really clear about their wants, needs, values, and beliefs and get in touch with their intuition.” Once you’ve done this “inside work,” use that same intuition to steer clear of dating partners who don’t meet your need for partnership or share your values. If something in your intuition doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t the right match for you. Trust that.
Learn self-love
Gray hair, a mom’s body, wrinkles and cellulite — your scars of motherhood mean you’ve created and nurtured life and have beautiful children to show for it. What’s not to love about that? The best way to get the most out of dating as a single mother is to love yourself and your truth, regardless of what you or society perceives as physical flaws. Zane writes, “It takes a strong woman and a concerted effort to combat the hellfire mix of nature and nurture to regain a healthy inside-and-outside body image … There is an incredible lightness of being that comes with no longer striving to be someone you think your child, mother, father, (potential) significant other, or society wants you to be.”
Enjoy the opportunity to slow down and find a true partner
A great benefit to being back on the dating scene after a failed marriage or relationship is having the opportunity to be your authentic self, do what you love, and find someone who shares that. People change over time and their tastes change. A lot of marriages are made up of two people sharing a life and living space without a lot of things in common, other than perhaps the kids, resulting in an unfulfilled desire for companionship and for someone with shared interests.
Now that you’re dating again, consider it an amazing opportunity to figure out what you love doing — traveling, reading, or maybe going to see live music — and finding someone who shares those same interests. This gives you the chance to enjoy a truer partnership when you do find “the one.”
Date people who love children
As a single mother, your priority in life is your children. The right partner will accept and honor that and will reflect it in his or her own life choices. You don’t have to be a parent to show kindness, care, and leadership to youth, so listen when your date talks about their role in the lives of children around them (family, community, etc.). Taking the time to explore what it means to be a parent or mentor, and what family values you hope to share in a relationship, will help you hit the right target in finding a great partnership and lasting love.
A Middle Tennessee native, Tonya Thompson (deltacreatives.com) now lives in Southaven, Mississippi with her three kids and their crazy pets.