Photo by Joseph Gonzalez on Unsplash
Whether it's a holiday or a birthday, parents have a desire to avoid the embarrassment of our kids receiving a gift and not saying thank you.
I’m a mom of two, and I’ve felt this pressure many times, but I also know that forced thank yous can easily backfire, and actually reduce the very sense of appreciation we are trying to teach.
Forced Expression Can Lead to Resentment
Feeling gratitude and saying thank you aren’t the same thing. Gratitude has multiple parts — what we feel, what we think, and what we do. As parents, it’s easiest to focus on what our kids do, but that shortchanges their opportunity to learn and leaves them without the personal benefits of gratitude.
When kids are given gifts, they are often in the spotlight. They feel the weight of our expectations and eyes on them, and it can easily cause anxiety and overwhelm. These feelings shut down gratitude and instead create a situation where a positive experience (receiving a gift) is generating a negative emotion (i.e. anxiety, shame, embarrassment).
In this context, kids who are pressured will often say thank you, but it’s not authentic and everyone feels it. The gift giver may feel uncomfortable also, and the learning around appreciation and gratitude gets hijacked by a power struggle.
What We Can Do Instead
None of this means that we shouldn’t work with our kids to cultivate their sense of appreciation and help them express it. The key is that this should be happening in ways that help them learn, don’t cause shame, and teach them to express what they are feeling.
Kids learn best through modeling, so if we want thank yous to come authentically we need to be using them regularly, both in front of our kids and, most importantly, toward our kids. Knowing what it’s like to feel appreciated makes it easier to feel and express gratitude for others.
One way to help our kids when we are in a “thank you stand-off” (you’re waiting for your kid to say thank you and it’s not happening) is to show gratitude yourself. Saying something like “Thank you for thinking of Sam! I really appreciate it” models an authentic positive response, without shaming your child. Then you can chat about it later and even practice a bit for next time.
Role Play at Home, and Remember all the Options
Try talking with your kids at home prior to a situation where they will be receiving gifts. Ask them how it might feel if they get a gift they already have or one they don’t like and role play some potential responses. For example, experiment with saying things like “Thanks for thinking of me” for situations where they aren’t excited about the gift. Remember kids will learn best if you keep things light and playful.
Consider asking your child what they think about creating a secret hand signal to flash if they get stuck and don’t know what to say. That way they can seek out help without embarrassment. And just because something doesn’t happen immediately doesn’t mean it can’t happen! Writing a thank you note or drawing a picture for a gift giver after the fact is often even more meaningful, both for the child and the giver.
As you navigate these complex parenting moments, remember that if our kids “do the right thing” while feeling terrible, all they learn is that doing the right thing feels bad! And they are less likely to want to do it in the future. The learning process takes time, and kids need a little space to learn, make mistakes, and not feel shamed by them. If we can give them that space, the authenticity of their gratitude when it’s expressed freely will be worth the wait and lead to increased connection and joy for all involved.
Jennifer Cohen Harper is an educator, public speaker, mother, founder of NYC’s Little Flower Yoga, and author of the new children’s book Thank You Body, Thank You Heart.