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Childhood innocence is precious, and we do what we can to protect it. We turn off the news when they walk into the room, adjust conversions at the dinner table to meet their maturity level, and create distractions to pull their attention from complicated situations. Despite our best efforts to shield them, every child will eventually encounter something that makes them sad, angry, or scared. And while our natural inclination is to shield them in those moments, I encourage parents to do the opposite. Part of growing up is learning how to handle a wide range of emotions. If we don’t engage with our children in those trying moments, we miss a valuable teaching opportunity.
This is often easier said than done because it requires that we wade into tumultuous waters from time to time. Preparation is key, and having a strategy in place to help your child navigate challenging topics in an age-appropriate manner can help alleviate stress and anxiety. I walk alongside caregivers regularly, providing recommendations as they work through what is bound to happen when curious kids start asking questions. As parents incorporate these strategies with their children, many find that having hard conversations not only gets easier — but also strengthens their relationships with their children.
Here’s how I recommend approaching tough conversations, with age-specific recommendations to help you start this process with your child.
All ages: Assess how much they know
Children will surprise you with topics they bring to the dinner table or shout from the back seat. Children are curious, and they absorb a lot more information than you may realize. So, when they ask a surprising question, start by asking them additional questions to see how much they know. This is helpful for several reasons.
First, as they answer your questions, you can gather how deeply you need to get into a discussion. Young children might ask you about things they merely hear in passing. And you may be able to simply answer their question with the most basic information, which satisfies their curiosity enough for them to move on. But if they hear something that causes them to worry, you may need to spend more time dissecting the topic to quell their fears. For older children, this strategy is particularly effective. Your teenager may have read something disreputable online, and you need to fully understand their perspective before engaging in a meaningful conversation. Understanding what they think, why they’re bringing this conversation up to you, and who might be influencing their opinions can help you craft an appropriate response.
Practically, asking questions gives you time to think through your response. Children are great at stunning us into silence. A question that comes up out of thin air can be hard to address in the moment. Starting the conversation with questions creates an opportunity for you to think and eventually provide a meaningful response.
All ages: Approach topics with honesty and simplicity
No matter your child’s age, honesty is the best policy. Skirting the truth can break trust and keep them from bringing you their future questions. This does not mean you have to go into detail with your children about topics that are not appropriate for their age. Your goal should be to answer their questions honestly, satisfactorily and then to move on.
Using clear language is a better option than trying to use a turn of phrase to soften the situation. Euphemisms can create confusion as your children may not understand the nuances of metaphor and language. As an example, saying your family dog was “put to sleep” can scare young children, as you put them to sleep every night and they are perfectly safe.
All ages: Acknowledge their feelings and emphasize safety
Sometimes, children ask questions because they’re trying to cope with their own feelings. Things they experience for the first time can make them fearful, angry, or sad, and those emotions are valid. Your goal as a parent isn’t to make those feelings go away or try to fix them, but to acknowledge them while assuring them they are safe. For young children, this can come in the form of physical comfort. They may need to hear that their home, health, family, and body are safe. For older children, talking through opportunities to address a situation or acting as a neutral, nonjudgmental sounding board can do the trick. They may not be concerned about their physical safety, but might need to hear that you are a safe confidant for their challenging situations. Allowing our children to feel comfortable in their emotions can create healthy outlets for expression and can encourage them to come to us when they have big feelings in the future.
Young children: Focus on what they can control
Little children can become easily overwhelmed by things they cannot control. Trying to work through conversations around sickness, death, and conflict can be especially challenging for them, as they have no way to help make the situation better. One way to support children is to offer ways in which they can become part of a solution. As an example, if a family member is in the hospital, your child might have questions about where you’ve been going or why they’re not at family functions. You can use this as an opportunity to talk about the ways that you help people who are sick feel better. Involve them in picking out a card or putting together a care package. You don’t have to get into the details of their illness or prognosis, but can instead teach them how to help people we love when they aren’t feeling well.
Middle ages: Let them in slowly
As your children grow and become more independent, they’ll form their own opinions. The middle ages are all about developing and testing boundaries, and it’s important that they can do this within parameters. As they bring tough conversations to you, engage with them meaningfully to demonstrate you respect their growing intellect and ability to form and hold opinions. This is a time to share how people have conversations when they don’t agree about things. Model active listening and respectful discourse during discussions of opinion. Your preteen may disagree with you for the sake of disagreeing but the example you set in your discussion will leave a lasting impression.
Asking questions of children in late adolescence and early teenage years is especially important. By asking questions, you can simultaneously gauge their level of understanding while also making them feel heard and acknowledged. Sometimes, they’re simply looking for someone to treat them less like a child and more like an adult. By engaging with them meaningfully, you’re building your relationship and investing in the adult they’ll one day become.
Teenagers: Acknowledge their ability to process information and define your perspective
As your child approaches adulthood, you can engage in more frank conversations. These last few years under your roof are a prime opportunity to model how your family approaches life, conflict, and morality. Use this time to listen and explain how you view the world. They may not see things the same way you do, and you didn’t see things the same way your parents did. Listening and acknowledging their viewpoints can keep lines of communication open. Your goal here is to leave a lasting impression — noting where you stand on the hard topics while supporting their growing independence.
Above all, engage with your children
Relationships are strengthened and children grow in emotional maturity when parents engage with them in meaningful ways around the hard things in life. By taking a graduated, honest, and respectful approach in broaching tough conversations with your children, you can foster independence and prepare them to enter adulthood — and face the inevitable challenges they’ll encounter — confidently and courageously.
Kim Finch is Director of Counseling and Guidance at St. George’s Independent School’s Upper School.