Little children experience big emotions. When things don’t go as planned or they feel overstimulated, or even face new experiences, children may respond with anger and frustration, fueled by feelings of shame, embarrassment, and a sense of injustice.
Because young children often don’t have the language or regulation skills to handle these big feelings, they can result in tantrums, mood swings, rebellion, and emotional outbursts, which may trigger feelings of embarrassment and exasperation for parents. Fear not; every parent has been there.
Dr. Lauren Loquasto, senior vice president and chief academic officer at The Goddard School, along with Kelly Oriard and Callie Christensen, authors of “All Feelings Welcome,” share guidance to help parents effectively deal with these situations.
Managing Meltdowns
Parents are most effective when they stay calm, speak quietly, and move slowly. Counterbalance your child’s extreme emotion and behavior with the opposite extreme. Take deep breaths and stay near your child while the emotion dissipates.
Scolding only heightens the emotion, so start with empathy, not discipline, and affirm the feelings. For example, “We all get angry sometimes,” or “It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”
Help your child label feelings and seek to understand what caused the outburst. Try “sportscasting” — objectively narrating what you see. For example, “I see you taking deep breaths. I see your cheeks are puffed up and your fists are clenched. I know your sister just took your toy and that might make you feel angry. Are you feeling angry?”
This technique can help your child associate physiological feelings with an emotional label.
Once calm, work with your child to repair and reconnect. Share your coping techniques. For example, “I feel angry sometimes. When I get angry, I like to stomp my feet and turn up my music. Do you want to try this with me?”
Model this often, either when you’re upset or as a teaching moment by pretending to feel angry. Real-life examples help normalize feelings and teach emotion regulation skills. If you acted in a way you regret — yelling, for instance — address it by apologizing and taking responsibility. This grounding can help you and your child move forward.
Taking Proactive Preventative Steps
While big emotions and corresponding behaviors are a natural part of early childhood, there are steps you can take to help mitigate future meltdowns.
Develop a routine and stick to it as much as possible. Children thrive with structure; the unexpected or unknown can lead to emotional dysregulation. That said, there will always be disruptions and transitions — some small (such as an out-of-town houseguest) and some large (like moving or welcoming a new sibling). Discuss these moments in advance to help your child anticipate and prepare for the change.
Certain situations, such as the grocery store or a public event, may be triggers for children. Avoiding these situations altogether won’t help them learn, so prepare them with social scripting. Tell a story about the situation, discuss what they’ll experience and how they might feel and label the emotions. This talk can reduce anxiety, build confidence, and make the situation more manageable.
Additionally, it’s important to recognize a child’s emotional state can be intertwined with yours; if you’re overwhelmed, stressed or anxious, your child may pick up on that and experience some of those same feelings. Likewise, if you’re calm, your child is more likely to be, too.
Finding Helpful Resources
When children are not in a heightened emotional state, reading books about characters and big emotions can be helpful. Pause and ask them what they think the character is feeling and if they ever feel that way. Consider Hammerhead, Mad’s Not Bad and Felix and the Picnic.
To access additional parenting insights and resources, visit the Parent Resource Center at GoddardSchool.com.
Courtesy of Family Features, The Goddard School, and Slumberkins