Having a positive marriage means feeling loved and cherished. Time should not dull your special bond but rather make it stronger. There are many things you can do so every day feels like Valentine’s Day. It all starts with prioritizing your relationship.
Make Time
While it may sound basic, setting aside uninterrupted quality time is critical to the survival of a marriage. “Schedule activities on a regular basis that do not involve electronics, like playing board games or going to the park, because it will create a better environment for interacting in a romantic way and getting to another level of conversation,” says Dr. Lee Horton, Memphis-based marriage counselor.
Stay Happy
It really is possible for both people to be happy at once. “Number one is the commitment to what is called win-win negotiation, which means that no solution is acceptable for either party unless both are fully satisfied,” says Dr. Mark Weiss, a local marriage and family therapist.
There are strategies to make this easier. “Instead of talking about the problem your partner has, talk about what your needs are and ask for help,” he says. Never lose the element of fun that once brought you together. “Once every two months, sit down and have a discussion on what you can add or subtract that would make the relationship more pleasure-based instead of obligation-based.”
Every day provides a new opportunity to keep the spark alive. Find out what your partner loves and do it. Keep in mind that everyone is different. “There is a book called 5 Languages of Love, which is an educational tool for realizing that everybody gives and receives love in different ways, like service, quiet time or together time, sweet words or gifts,” says Weiss. Learning how to communicate your love is essential to a thriving marriage.
Use Your Senses
Touch is powerful. Over time, the sensual aspect of the relationship may wane and be replaced by simply being sexual. “I think couples have better sex lives, romantic feelings, and connection when there is more touch to invigorate the senses,” Horton says.
Keeping lines of communication open is helpful because couples often find that if somebody is upset they withdraw from intimacy. “If you cannot talk about it, you cannot fix it, so you want to be able to ask, both in and out of the sexual act, what is something that does and does not please you,” says Weiss. When you make a conscious effort to understand your partner better, both of your needs can usually be met.
Tune In
Make an effort to pay close attention to what your partner is saying. “Be more of an active listener by engaging your partner with questions, eye contact, responding to what they say, and hearing yourself more instead of being passive,” says Horton.
You want to offer positive feedback and support whenever possible. “Men and women become like the boss who only lets you know when you have done something wrong and lose the sense of acceptance, but when you are falling in love, you feel like your partner gets you for who you are,” Horton says. It is important to be understanding and talk about differences as they emerge in order to stay successful. Understanding one another also means knowing what bothers your partner. Sometimes you may unknowingly say or do something that triggers a bad memory from your partner’s past, usually from childhood.
Don’t Slack
Give your marriage your all. “Do not be lazy,” Horton says. Remember that even the best of marriages pose challenges. Expectations have changed and become higher compared to previous generations. “For our great-grandparents, it was more of an economic union, whereas now we expect there to be more of an emotional, physical, and sexual connection,” he adds. Many married couples have lost their connection or have had failed relationships prior, which goes to show that relationships are not easy. It is all about your mindset.
Give the Relationship a CheckUp
Sit down and pretend you are giving your marriage a report card. “Family meetings are about the ability to say, ‘Let us rise above the table and look down at the relationship to see if it is serving us,’” says Weiss.
Consider that the definition of relationships has changed along with the time and culture. “Do not fall into relationship patterns from your parents, even if they are functional, because they may be obsolete, and the old idea of a top-dog relationship between husband and wife is an authoritarian approach that usually leads to loss of intimacy,” Weiss says. Both partners should feel like equals, as well as valued in the relationship, in order for it to stand the test of time and keep the spark alive.
Jamie Lober, author of Pink Power (getpinkpower.com), is dedicated to providing information on women’s and pediatric health topics.