According to the American Cancer Society, more than 180,000 women each year are diagnosed with invasive breast cancer, and two-thirds of those are age 55 and older. When Asuka Taga Yow learned she had Invasive Ductal Carcinoma at age 39, her diagnosis came as a shock. She was a seemingly healthy young adult, a mother of two, and starting a new career as the community kitchen coordinator at Memphis Tilth. This October, as thousands of people rally in support of breast cancer research, donate to causes, and take to the streets for charity runs, the Yow family remembers Asuka, who lost her battle with breast cancer this past April.
Asuka was the kind of person who, no matter how long you had known her, made you feel as if you were the most important person in the room. Her love for her children, Vincent and Evan, was no different. From the beginning of her cancer diagnosis to her final days, her boys remained her top priority. Being a mother was one of her proudest accomplishments, and it showed. Friends often envied the delicious bento boxes she packed each day for their school lunch. She continued to prepare those lunches throughout her illness whenever she could, maximizing the days she felt well between treatments.
One of the first challenges of her diagnosis would be how to tell the boys that she was sick. Her husband, Jeremy Yow, shares, “We had to agree on what we wanted to tell them, and we sat them down to tell them what was going on. We didn’t want to delay that or hide what was going on once the diagnosis was confirmed.”
One thing Jeremy wishes they had done differently in the beginning was to get a second opinion. He says, “I don’t know that it would’ve changed anything, but I think we were too quick to latch onto the plan, thinking the treatments would work.” Throughout her illness, he remained optimistic. “Maybe I didn’t always see it that these could be the last few months of time I had with her. I don’t think people should worry they are going to die because that’s not usually the case with many cancers, but it is important to acknowledge that it is a possibility so you can spend more meaningful time with them.”
According to Angela Hamblen, executive director of Baptist Centers for Good Grief, honesty is important when working with children who are grieving. She says, “Children can cope with what they know. They cannot cope with what they don’t know, meaning it’s okay to tell children facts.” Hamblen suggests caregivers look at the child’s age and what they can handle. “It is important for children to understand on an age-appropriate level what has happened, and we use language such as ‘they died’ or ‘their body stopped working.’” Adults often want to protect children by withholding information, but doing so may cause more distress.
Asuka’s community rallied around her and the family from the very beginning of her cancer diagnosis. Jeremy suggests families dealing with a critical illness not shy away from help. “There are a lot of things that only you can manage, but let people help you,” he says. “Don’t be stubborn out of a sense of pride or a need for privacy.”
Allowing people in her community to help was one way that Asuka kept family and friends informed so they knew what was happening. “Letting people care about her provided ways for them to be a part of her life in ways that maybe they wouldn’t have been able to if we had kept people in the dark about what was going on,” Jeremy says.
“The challenge now is how to find a balance between talking about Asuka and not forcing the boys to talk about something they are still struggling with.”
Asuka’s illness brought about many changes for the Yow family. Naturally, her cancer brought the boys closer to her, but they also kept on being kids.
Jeremy recalls, “The one thing about kids is, it is hard to tell how they really feel about things. They are still kids. They keep playing, they want to see friends, they don’t dwell on the gravity of the situation.”
As Asuka’s cancer progressed and her treatments took a greater toll on her body, the boys did worry more about her and how she was feeling.
Hamblen says children often grieve in spurts. She explains, “Where adults are often deep in their grief, feeling the heaviness all the time, children naturally come in and out of their grief.” One moment a child may be upset or angry about their loss, but then the next moment they may be running and playing. Some may see this behavior and think they aren’t grieving properly, but Hamblen urges caregivers to support the grieving child no matter what. “Children do grieve,” she says, “but they grieve differently than adults.”
Moving Forward
When a child loses a parent, they will continue to grieve for the rest of their lives. However, it is important to know the loss does not mean they are guaranteed a life of hardships. With a strong support system and opportunities for expression, Hamblen says children can go on to lead happy and normal lives balanced with their grief.
The Yow family is trying to do just that. “The challenge now is how to find a balance between talking about Asuka and not forcing the boys to talk about something they are still struggling with,” says Jeremy. The boys are seeing a grief counselor through the hospice agency, and this has been helpful, especially since Jeremy is dealing with the loss himself.
Asuka’s illness has also provided an opportunity for the boys to grow closer to her family living in Japan. The whole family rallied around Asuka through several surgeries and many treatments, and the boys plan to continue spending summers abroad with them.
How can you help?
If you are the caregiver of a grieving child, Angela Hamblen suggests the following:
Keep a normal routine for the child. Especially with the loss of a parent, children may feel as if their whole lives have been uprooted. Sticking to a normal schedule can help children know what to expect.
Maintain discipline in the home. When one parent passes away, caregivers are often reluctant to enforce rules, but preserving responsibilities and consequences creates a sense of safety for children. Hamblen suggests consequences be administered with a bit of grace, especially when the child is grieving.
Show your feelings. Let the child see you have feelings, too. Hamblen says it is okay for children to see you cry. Expressing your disappointment in a healthy way gives children permission to express their grief. If caregivers withhold expressions of grief, the child may begin to internalize that there is something wrong with them because they feel so sad.
Continue to talk about the parent who died. Saying the person’s name helps children maintain a connection to their deceased parent while a new normal is being developed. Hamblen encourages caregivers to share memories with children and keep things that belonged to the parent in the house.
The Yow family plans to continue to support the work Asuka did with Memphis Tilth through donations. Contributions can be made to memphistilth.org in memory of Asuka Yow.
The Baptist Centers for Good Grief has three locations in the Mid-South: Collierville, Midtown Memphis, and Jonesboro, Arkansas. More information and a helpful FAQ can be located at baptistgriefcenters.org.
Jennifer Boren is the lead library media specialist for Collierville Schools and blogs at bookjabber.wordpress.com.