Whether you’re new to the wonderful world of parenting, about to embark on that journey, or well down the road, it is likely that you’ll be doing the work of parenting in partnership with another adult. In the case of blended or multi-generational families living together, there may be multiple adults involved in raising children. Even couples who come from very similar family backgrounds of their own can find that they have different approaches to common, everyday interactions that are part and parcel of being parents.
Whatever the family or living situation, it’s quite common for parents to see things differently when it comes to raising their children. Different cultural backgrounds or ideas, religious and family expectations, and even our own childhoods can shape what we feel our parenting styles should be. These can manifest themselves in simple and more profound ways.
Here are a few common topics and situations in which we see conflict in parenting styles:
- “Coddling” young children: Is it nurturing or “spoiling” to respond to every need?
- Children’s presence during adult social gatherings: Should children be “seen and not heard” or always welcome to express themselves?
- Food and meals: Should children be encouraged or required to try new foods? Is there a “clean plate” rule? Should parents prepare different meals for children, or should children eat what’s served (or go hungry, if they don’t)?
- Discipline and boundaries: What behavior is expected, and what are the consequences of misbehaving? When do those rules and expectations change, and why? Can one parent, or partner, “overrule” the other?
- Outside help and advice: How do we know if and when we need outside help? Are our own parents good examples, or do we want to steer clear of repeating their parenting styles and practices?
If you are grappling with any or all of those topics, then read on, because we’ve got some suggestions. Before addressing any of those specifically, though, there are four behaviors that make a firm foundation for any relationship. Mastering these things can help strengthen your relationship as partners or co-parents, enabling you to take a positive approach when resolving conflict.
Communicate openly, honestly, and respectfully.
Whether it seems minor and infrequent or big and common, the conflict won’t get resolved if you don’t acknowledge and talk about it. Knowing that it’s important to be respectful of one another and to communicate honestly, though, doesn’t necessarily mean also knowing how to communicate respectfully and honestly.
One way to get started, since approaching conflict can feel intimidating, is to use “I feel” statements. If, for example, your partner is giving a child different rules from the ones you set, then you might say something like: “When you change the rules I set for our child, I feel _____ (fill in the blank with the feeling you’re actually feeling — disrespected, angry, confused, etc.).” Starting a conversation this way, framing it from your own perspective instead of with an accusation or criticism, lays the groundwork for two-way communication so you can work through the conflict together.
Identify your shared core values.
Another place to start, when working through parental conflict, is by focusing on the areas in which you already are aligned.
Chances are that you and your partner have some similar underlying core values that connect you as a couple. Bringing those shared values to the forefront by making them the main topic of a conversation gives you something in common that you can use to work through an area of disagreement.
A conversation that follows, then, might look something like this: “You and I both value learning. How can we use our love for learning to help us find a place of agreement about (bedtime, boundaries, etc.)?”
(Side note: Kindred Place has a great, free workbook on identifying personal values!)
Champion teamwork and respect.
Parents might see it as, “If it's not my way, it's wrong” — and by extension, “My way is the right way.” In reality, there can be two right ways; they're simply different. If you are willing to listen, you can learn from one another, pull collective understanding, and come up with something better than either of you alone.
Children are keen observers in general, and particularly when it comes to how the adults around them behave. Using problem-solving techniques and demonstrating respectful behavior will model both things for the children who are watching.
Maintaining your own relationship — and seeking help when you need it.
If you find yourself in a negative loop that repeats and repeats, or if you feel stuck in conflict or isolation, the issue might be bigger than you can tackle alone. Consider reaching out for advice from a trained professional when you need help navigating sticky situations or issues that you can’t resolve on your own.
Lisitsaimage | Dreamstime.com
One final note: You may be wondering, “Is physical discipline ever appropriate?” The research and data on this topic are clear. Spanking is ineffective as a way of teaching a child right from wrong. Instead, spanking reinforces the idea that someone with power over another person is allowed to use physical force to make a point or get their way.
At Kindred Place, we often use the phrase, “Up until now, from now on.” It’s never too late to change, even if the habits of behavior or communication style are deeply ingrained. When you ask yourself, “What might ‘from now on’ look like for our family?” then you’re already likely on a path to something better.
Jennifer Balink is the executive director of Kindred Place, a counseling, coaching, and education center for confident parenting and healthy behaviors.