Very early into my pregnancy, running didn’t feel beneficial anymore. This was hard for someone who identified themselves as “a runner” to admit, but I listened to that inner voice and respectfully walked instead.
A simple change in pace can really alter your mindset. Rather than being driven by what’s next — the metaphorical finish line — I became reflective.
Thoughts about everything that led me to that particular era in my life ran through my head. This included the topic of my evolving relationship with running, which was really a reflection on how I valued time. Pre-pregnancy, running and speed equaled personal freedom and success. And somehow, the faster I ran, the more liberated I felt from negative emotions, self-doubt, and failure.
This thought process extrapolated into a foundational element of my psyche. Everything I did had to be done as quickly as possible. Cooking, completing assignments, getting somewhere, showering, getting ready, building relationships. Pretty much everything.
My fascination with speed was rather obnoxious. I distinctly remember when a friend noticed and said, “Monika, but what happens when you go through life fast and then all of a sudden — it’s over?” Those words stuck with me but didn’t change my behavior. I still valued being quick over being thorough, careful, or detail-oriented.
That often caught up with me in negative ways, but I still charged on. I moved through the world this way basically until I gave birth to my son. After he was born, the intense impulse to get through life quickly came to a screeching halt. Something about his simple existence caused me to abandon my escapism mentality toward time. I became at peace with moving intentionally and patiently.
I even longed for time to slow itself, as I felt that almost universal paradox mothers experience with their children’s growth. It’s the thing we work so hard to cultivate, and yet, as it happens, there is both inner joy and celebration, but also a deep, quiet grieving of your baby becoming their own.
Barbara Kingsolver, author of Poisonwood Bible, says something that really resonates: “A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. You examine every turn of flesh for precocity and crow it to the world. But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after — oh, that’ s love by a different name.”
Only, I think both of these emotions happen with every child. The joy and the finality. And, in feeling this, motherhood finally made me OK with becoming a human be-ing rather than a human do-ing. I no longer stress about responding to someone within minutes of receiving an email or text message. And if it takes me all day to put away laundry, fine.
My mentality has shifted from valuing rapid completion to respecting the unknown. And, with regard to running, it’s not that I have abandoned that desire to belt it out sometimes. It’s just that now, postpartum, I am open to changes in pace.
Monika Patel is a Doctor of Physical Therapy and strength and conditioning specialist. She has a passion for empowering women to prepare for well-balanced motherhood — both mentally and physically. She has applied her knowledge of preventative medicine to establish Train4Birth, an affordable online course with a built-in accountability feature. She is also the mother of a truck-loving toddler and couldn’t be happier digging with him in the backyard.
Visit train4birth.com for more information.