I have learned things as a grandparent and feel ready to share my wisdom. My qualifications are Alice (age 7) and Aggie (fast approaching 8 months), who have been my patient instructors. Here are 18 things I found to be true.
1) When I first learned I was going to become a grandfather, I made a plan. I would be the wise but amusing counselor and confidant, teaching the finer points of life and culture. I was quickly reminded of what happens to people who make plans.
2) So, Plan B was to be actually useful by being able to whip up six ounces of formula in a quick minute and (uncomplainingly) learn how to change a diaper with high efficiency. Having done this with the children a few years previously, I excelled in this department.
3) Despite achieving a high level of proficiency at these basics, I still upped the ante by playing Mozart and Mingus. It was the least I could do toward making Plan A come about. At least I enjoyed it, and hoped that maybe the baby would pick up on diatonic harmonies and understand that strict notation is not always necessary for great music.
4) I quickly learned the finer points of car seats, the most important aspect of which was to get my son to make sure they are correctly installed. As the daddy, he would find a YouTube video of a no-nonsense policeman demonstrating the proper way to get the seat tightly secured. So that’s how it got done.
5) If you do it that well, however, you can never unattach the seat. Just sell the car.
6) The most important quality a grandfather can have is to be married to (or be in an amicable relationship with) the grandmother. Whatever he thinks he knows, she knows more.
7) The correct response to anything she says is either “Yes, dear” or “I’ll do it.” Remember that ensuring “domestic tranquility” is in the United States Constitution.
8) Similarly, if the grandchild wants you to sit uncomfortably on the floor, talk to a doll and/or a unicorn in the next chair and participate in a tea party, always answer in the affirmative. These are moments to be seized and remembered, despite the backache.
9) If she has dug into some old DVDs and decided she really, really wants to watch Caillou or Barney & Friends, go along with it. You should do some suffering for not being prepared. And then be ready the next time to show her something from YouTube for children. There are about 3,010,000,000 possibilities, or so says Google. But remember that if you let them hear Baby Shark even once, you’ll be singing “doo doo doo doo doo doo” for a very long time.
10) One of the first things an infant does is to use her hands to grab things. Being able to hold her bottle is important, but going after your beard is the big recreational pastime. If having your beard tugged hard is going to be a problem, reconsider your desire to be a wonderful grandfather.
11) You don’t get to choose what you are called. I put in early for Paterfamilias, but was instead assigned Abuelito. The other grandfather got Papaw. We couldn’t be happier. If what you are called matters too much, you’re missing the point. It’s more important to be called often.
12) Unless they get past the adorable stage and start calling you Hey. Or Old Man. Then you should have a talk. And a separate discussion with the parents.
13) Reading a story at bedtime means reading with them more than reading to them. Bring them into the tale, discuss the words, have fun. It will last.
14) The other side of reading is listening. Even when she doesn’t know too many words. If you’re driving around and she’s in the back seat free-associating about all the trees and colors and trucks and people and buildings, don’t turn up the radio, even if it’s Mingus. Listen to what’s in her world. Also, hilarity will ensue. I once heard her declare I’d build her a house in a tree that we passed going down Walnut Grove Road. Still waiting for lumber prices to go down.
15) When you’re invited to the elementary school’s grandparent’s day, you are required to go. It’ll be nice to meet the teachers and check out the library. But you must also eat a meal in the cafeteria. Resist the impulse to say the food was better back in your day. It probably wasn’t, but attitude is important here. Your little one is proud that you’re there and wants you to meet all her friends and examine all the projects. Don’t give an unwelcome lesson in snark. There’s enough in the world already.
16) When you’re in a store where they want all of everything, don’t be that grandparent and get them everything. Do what the parents do and tell them they can choose one piece of candy, or one toy. They will still love you.
17) If you’re taking the family to Erling Jensen’s restaurant, leave the infant at home. Don’t forget to get a babysitter. The sweetest baby will be a terror just when the Seared La Belle Farm Foie Gras is brought to the table. The people in adjacent tables will stare frostily even as your group tries to help with holding, feeding, saying coochie-coo. Do not try to placate the tiny one with the foie gras.
18) If you have grandchildren learning at home, get with the program. As we discovered in the last academic year, the principal job of the grown-up in the room is to reboot the tablet when needed and otherwise make sure the tech is working. Should you be monitoring a first-grader and they are doing Common Core math, do not attempt to help them unless you actually know something. “Well, you add these numbers,” I once explained with great obviousness, “and then you carry the one.” Alice looked at me patiently and said, “Abuelito, we don’t carry the one.” I stepped back and she worked it out. But it did make me want to say, “Consarn it! Why, in my day, we could carry any number that we had to!” But I didn’t. I just retreated and put on Mozart.