Planting seeds of presence in my children’s lives remains an important aspect of what drives me each day. While showing up for your children is always meaningful, presence with purpose means so much more.
Play dates, reading to the class, and popping in for “mom checks” during my older children’s elementary years are sweet memories we can look back on. Ask yourself: What do you expect your child to gain when your face is seen at school? What is the point of your presence and how can it impact your child’s life? Adult behavior has a beginning, and it starts to develop during childhood. So, during one of my “mom checks,” when I discovered that my then 3rd-grade daughter was unsure how to speak up for herself, I stepped in.
Showing up on Purpose
We’d planned a lunch date at her school, and she looked forward to those days. We would sit at the table with her classmates as my eyes perused the cafeteria. Other parents likewise brought food and spent time with their child during the afternoon meal.
This particular day I’d brought Chick-fil-A, and I asked if I could have one of her fries. She gladly offered some to me. Then one of her classmates placed her index finger on one of my child’s fries and asked, “Do you want your fries?” I carefully observed my daughter’s reaction. This happy child of mine quickly changed her expression to one filled with frustration.
I asked if she was alright with someone putting their fingers on her fries. Head still hung down over her food, she shrugged her shoulders and softly whispered, “No.” I was shocked to learn that this is the way she’d been getting along, keeping her feelings tucked away. “You have to speak up and tell people how you really feel,” I told her. “No one can read your mind.”
I encouraged her to look her friend in the eyes and say, “Yes, I want my fries, and I do not like it when people put their fingers on my food.” She looked at her friend, quickly made her statement, and looked back at her fries. The classmate was unaware that she’d committed any wrongdoing, but after this, she apologized. My daughter, a bit more confident now, began to look up and even smiled, but I knew there was more work to do.
The Heart of the Matter
Later that night, I asked why she felt she could not express her true feelings to her peers. Why was she so quiet during lunch? She responded the way many of us parents expect: “I don’t know.” That answer became my opportunity to help her know why. Asking a couple of questions such as “what” or “how” instead of “why” helped us to have conversations. I’d seen how loud she could get with her older sister and how she had no problem holding her own.
Apparently that was not the case around children outside of our home. After exploring the “what, how” questions, she revealed she did not want to lose her friendship. “A true friend will accept the truth when you tell her,” I said. “Even if she becomes upset, it will only be for a moment. A true friend will not want to purposefully hurt you, but you must tell her when she does.” She needed to know that if someone cared enough about her, they’d hear her complaint and still be her friend.
Asserting at Last
My daughter learned that her feelings matter. She actually practiced speaking up for herself and continued this new skill through middle school. She couldn’t wait to tell me all the details of her day whenever she asserted herself. Over time, she developed into a confident teenager who has no problem speaking up when necessary. The ability to assert oneself isn’t one that individuals are born with. It is a skill that I’ve planted in my children’s lives. It is a skill by which we continue to grow; one that we perfect in our daily lives with care and calm.
Kim Clark is raising a spunky young son and two teenage daughters. She began a homeschool co-op last year, H.I.S. (Help Is Serving) Life School.