illustration by Bryan Rollins
When we were younger, ideas of family life no doubt entertained some of our minds. We had thoughts of raising little ones, and it seemed like overnight we went from being somebody’s child to somebody’s parent.
We didn’t ponder what we would do when our children found themselves struggling for our attention. But soon, we became referee between our lovely little brood, and someone usually felt we were always taking the side of another.
Welcome to adulting! A social media post mentioned, “If we had realized adulting would be this difficult, we would have stayed in a child’s place like mama said.” Being an adult can be pretty intense, and sometimes struggles come about because of our actions. Unintentionally, we might overlook a child, show more attention to another, or worse than both of these, compare siblings.
Comparing siblings causes favoritism fallout aka sibling rivalry.
Parents who compare one child to another, more often than not, contribute to tension amongst siblings. A child who takes his frustration out on his sibling may do so because he can’t express how sad it made him feel when the parent compared him to his sibling, therefore his aggression becomes displaced. Sisters and brothers usually compete with one another, and while some competition can be healthy, siblings can also develop unhealthy, competitive relationships when parents contrast their children. Instead of complimenting each other’s strengths, siblings might find themselves belittling the other’s weaknesses. It can be an unsettling way to grow up, and sometimes these children spend their adult lives distant. Such rivalrous relationships often go back to childhood.
Help Siblings Avoid Favoritism Fallout
While it’s possible to avoid comparing siblings, it’s still bound to happen at times. Here are some ways to lessen the rivalrous phenomenon.
Be Aware – Sibling rivalry occurs. It is important to know and recognize how it begins. Usually, it starts with competing for the parents’ attention, yet it continues as children grow. We parents have our reasons for calling on one child more than another. Maybe the eldest child seems more dependable. The youngest child could appear more favored when he or she is actually needy and may demand more attention than the rest. Children with special needs must have our attention, and we may be even more overprotective of them. Generally, children do not understand the reasoning behind our actions. They can only relate to what we put before them. Explain these situations to them; they are more intelligent than we realize. If we look through our children’s lens, we will see ourselves as stars — they look to us for approval, praise, and guidance.
Be Empathetic – If you grew up in a home where there were multiple children, you may know the joy that comes with comparative parental approval. On the flip side, another sibling is left to feel hurt and unaccepted, even if it’s a result of their own unacceptable behavior. Being able to empathize with all of the children may illuminate some of the rivalry.
Be Fair and Balanced – Something as simple as acknowledging one child each time you acknowledge the other goes a long way. As parents, we set the tone. When you smile and acknowledge one child, smile and acknowledge the other as well. One child might shine a little brighter in an area than her other siblings, and that’s fine. Just be sure to acknowledge, with the same level of enthusiasm, the other’s gifts or talents, too.
It is good to be honest, but it is best to be kind about our honesty and use words that will bring siblings closer. Children appreciate gentle honesty. This same guide holds true for punishments. If we have rules in place that apply to every child equally yet equitably, then feelings of “side taking” might come to a screeching halt. That’s being fair and balanced.
Actively practicing ways to reduce rivalry is a start to letting your children know they are loved equally. Even if you do have a favorite, siblings shouldn’t be able to tell.
Kim Clark is raising a spunky young son and two teenage daughters. She began a homeschool co-op last year, H.I.S. (Help Is Serving) Life School.