In the new normal of unlimited information access, most middle schoolers have engaged in some form of online sexual behavior, and have likely seen pornography by age 11.
That’s the reality Jessica Shea Frey, licensed clinical social worker and owner of Memphis-based Forward Counseling, wants parents to understand. She has coached hundreds of families through the emotional ups and downs of puberty and adolescent development and is aware of how important it is for parents to know the unfiltered truth about their child’s daily experience and
Ziggy Mack
Jessica Shea Frey, Forward Counseling
exposure.
“There is a huge information gap between what parents think their child is up to, and what kids are actually up to and being exposed to online,” she says. “On average, kids are beginning to engage in sexting as early as middle school, and sexual predators are some of your kids’ best online ‘friends.’”
In this context, parents are increasingly concerned about the right age to allow their teen to date. According to Frey, the average age parents are giving permission to go on dates is 16, but some kids are dating much younger than that, and others are postponing dating until college. “The trend seems to be that group dating is okay for middle school-age kids, but car dates are usually started around age 16. For teens, going on group dates is the most popular, as well as the least risky.”
Frey notes that culture, religion, family values, and the maturity level of each individual child should all help define the “right” time for dating. Ultimately, open, honest, calm communication with your kids about dating, sex, and relationships is essential and should be ideally started long before puberty because this is when they are more likely to believe you.
For parents who aren’t sure where to start, she offers some of the following topics for discussion with your pre-teen or teen: personal and sexual safety, consent, treating yourself and others with respect, and handling rejection.
“Consent is a very important topic for parents to discuss nowadays,” Frey adds. “This goes for both male and female children. Both need to know how to state what they are comfortable with and what they are not willing to sacrifice for dating or a relationship. All adolescents need to know how to ask for consent and how to say no, as well as how to accept rejection.”
It is also important to educate your children about abusive behavior, grooming behavior, and sexual assault, and assure your child that they do not deserve abuse or assault under any circumstances. “This may be tricky if you are in an abusive relationship and have modeled putting up with abusive behavior,” says Frey, but resources are available to help you navigate these topics with your kids.
As a final note of caution, Frey advises that parents learn from Shakespeare about the excitement of forbidden love for adolescents. “While I do believe that parents should be in charge of the home, I think by the time adolescents are in high school, their personality and values should factor into the consideration of their peer choices. Avoid criticizing your child’s friends or dating choices. After puberty, kids get their self-esteem and acceptance from their peers and take friendships seriously. Being critical of your child’s peer choices will feel like betrayal to your child and will fracture trust.” ⎢
Local resources for abuse victims include:
• The Family Safety Center of Memphis and Shelby County: 901-222-4400 or
familysafetycenter.org
• The Athena Project at U of M: 901-678-3973.
A Middle Tennessee native, Tonya Thompson (deltacreatives.com) now lives in Southaven, Mississippi, with her three kids.