
© Laura Siivola - Dreamstime.com
As unattractive as the idea can be to most adults, children thrive on routine. From the moment they are born, establishing predictable patterns in their lives keeps them calmer and healthier — from nursing to sleeping and everything in between.
But separation and divorce are anything but routine. In fact, it can be one of the most devastating changes a child faces in his or her development. Yet we all know that life happens, and it is up to the adults in the situation to step away from their own emotions and consider what is best for the children.
“Before I moved out, we had had a discussion about routines for our girls,” says Jordan, an art teacher in Memphis, “but back then, they were not yet in school and so we've had to do shifts.” While working on a co-parenting arrangement, Jordan knew that her daughters, now 6 and 8, would benefit most from equal time with both parents. Finding ways to share time was difficult at first, but she and her ex have been able to establish a new routine — despite living in separate households.
“We have them almost a completely even amount of time. I have them Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and every other weekend and then his is the opposite. We count Friday through Sunday as the whole weekend,” Jordan says. “I take them to school every morning and, most days, am able to pick them up and spend a little time with them on his days before he gets off work. If there is a day when I am unable to get them from their after-care spot, then he is almost always able to do it. The routine we are in now is newer to us, so we are working out little kinks here and there, but for the most part, it is working well.”
Jordan admits that she and her ex-husband have moments when it’s difficult to get along. However, she credits open communication as the key to the success they’ve found so far in their evolving co-parenting arrangement.
“Even though their father and I are no longer together, my kids know they can talk to either of us,” says Jordan. “They know that when they make choices — about behavior or chores or anything — that he and I will tell each other. The girls know that we don't keep secrets, that their presents still come from both parents. It's never about who can give or do more, even though I know we both try to be the more fun parent sometimes. It's always about balance and understanding.”
As challenging and emotional as it might be at the beginning, finding that balance and returning to a routine in which both parents are equally involved is most often best for the kids. “It isn't about you,” says Jordan. “It isn't about your ego, your hurt, or frustration. All that stuff should take a back seat to raising children in a kind and loving way.”
A Middle Tennessee native, Tonya Thompson now lives in Southaven, MS with her three kids and their crazy pets.