A picture came up on my Facebook memories the other day, and I haven’t been able to get my mind off it. It’s a little girl — 4, maybe 5 years old — and she has pink streaks in her hair. The beaming smile indicates she’s pleased with them. The little girl in the picture is my daughter. The pink streaks — a spray that her hairdresser surprised her with — would wash away when we washed her hair. But I’m a little surprised I even allowed that.
I have hardwiring that’s caused me to be worried about appearances. A generational curse, perhaps. And from day one, my daughter had a mind of her own. I wanted cute bows. She would pull them out if I even tried. I wanted beautiful, smocked dresses. Well, I got by with those for a while. The older she got, the more opinionated she became. And it seemed to be the opposite of everything I thought she “should” be.
If I’m truly honest, that photograph is etched in my mind because it reminds me of the mother I used to be. It stings because I’m not proud of those days. My own inner critic being projected onto her, along with allowing cultural expectations to rule rather than trying to help her discover the person God created her to be. My impossible expectations literally killing her little spirit. But those weren’t about her. They were about me. Projecting how I felt about myself onto her. Carl G. Jung said, “If there is anything that we wish to change in our children, we should first examine it and see whether or not it is something that could better be changed in ourselves.”
When the pandemic hit, I knew something had to give. I simply added some silence to my day, and I started being gentle with myself. That led me on a journey of inner work. I won’t kid myself — I still have a lot of work left to do. But the journey to individuation not only has the potential to transform yourself, that transformation will inevitably flow into your relationships as well. I dare to guess that if I had not worked on me — and changed my ways — my daughter and I would have a tumultuous relationship today. And we don’t. We have a beautiful one. Is it perfect? Of course not. She’s a teenager, and well, I’m human. Inner work is hard work, but it’s so worth it. And it’s truly never too late to change.
Denise Hensley is a licensed social worker and has worked in mental health for more than 25 years. She is also studying to become a Spiritual Director.